March, 2009

We’ve had a few crises of faith going on at the Shane household of late. This month I have two papers due. Both are on the topic of women. In the first I’m looking at Jesus’ interactions with women in the Gospels. The second is an inductive study of a passage in the New Testament dealing with behavioral/role expectations of men and women. The first I chose, the second was assigned. But it has thrown me into the world of women in the first century. And it was perfect timing since I’ve been struggling through this whole issue of being a Christian woman (as one of the last newsletters alluded to).

In an American mindset, equality of worth and equality of opportunity are often seen as going hand-in-hand. Just witness the civil rights movement. So when young women who have been raised in the post-women’s lib era approach Scripture and see restrictions placed on them, they naturally feel something is out of kilter. I was raised in a world that was pre-lib, but being on the cusp of that era as the very last of the boomers, I got a little of both worlds.

I read a lot of articles on both sides of the issues. What was odd is that my brain and my heart were often on opposite sides. I often found myself arguing for God’s sovereign right to place role distinctions, yet my heart cried, “Why?” Yes, I understand the “ontologically the same, but functionally different” logic, but my heart doesn’t care. I feel unloved when I don’t feel I have the same opportunities as another based on something that I cannot change.

Meanwhile, one child has been struggling through whether or not there is a God. She read a book about a cult and read them saying the same kinds of “spiritual” phrases and yet having behaviors that are diametrically opposed to what we teach. The more she read, the more confused she got. Simultaneously she came across the story of Achan in the Old Testament. (He’s the guy who lied and got himself and his whole family annihilated because of it.) Why would God kill his family? Weren’t the kids innocent? Did she even want to believe in a God who would do such a thing? How can the God of the Old Testament be the same as the God in the New Testament? And how did she know that she herself was not like the girl in the cult who had been fed a load of hooey and that she was going through life blindly accepting stuff like those kids?

Having just come through an Old Testament class that covered subjects like that, I tried teaching her a few of the things I had learned. Didn’t work. I was speaking to her brain, not her heart. She decided that she did not want to believe in God. As we talked through the whole issue, I couldn’t believe myself saying it, but I encouraged her to go with that idea. For a month. “Take one month, do not acknowledge God in any way, and see how you feel at the end of it.” Maybe I was wrong, but I knew that if her faith was true it would stand. And if it was built solely on what others have taught her and not her own convictions, it’d collapse.

It was tough for her. She told me later that she would often start to pray and then remember, “Oh yeah, I don’t believe in God. I can’t pray.” It was tough going to church with the family as well. Every time I looked at her face, she seemed so conflicted, but I knew this one was between her and God. A few weeks after her month ended, she came to me in tears. She missed God. But she also felt guilty for rejecting Him. At the same time, she’s still full of so many questions and doubts. All I could do was hold her and tell her it was OK to search for truth. “Be glad you care enough to search. And keep searching. You search for God. I’ll search to know His love. The enemy of faith is not doubt, but indifference.”


Like a rock,
The Submissive Despot

Amy Louise