February, 2009

February, 2009

I’ve been doing a lot of reading now that I’m back in school. No more shall my intellectual subsistence be three headlines and a magazine “novelette”. Seminary has already forced Mike into full-time reading glasses. (At least, that is what he’s blaming them on!) What has been interesting is which books and classes really appeal to me.

This past year it became clear to me that God wanted me to learn how to sit at His feet, to grow in being rather than doing, relationship rather than tasks. I came into this major where the emphasis is just that. But we still have a host of core courses. And I love them! I love studying; I love learning; I love analyzing and approaching Scripture with my mind. And I’m learning in the other area as well – approaching Scripture with my heart. But I have to work a lot harder to get there in those. In truth there are times when I think, “What in the world am I doing?”

I look around at the people in my major and I see all of these sweet, caring individuals. They all speak softly. They all speak encouraging words with smiles that never belie what they are truly thinking. (Not that they necessarily are thinking differently from what their face is telling, but I know what I would be thinking….) I see quiet calm individuals who have been relational all of their lives. I see people for whom being a harsh task master means they forgot to say “Please”.

At a recent class, one gal was leading the devotional. She had us close our eyes and picture Jesus walking into the room, beckoning to us to go outside with Him, and walking arm in arm with Him around campus. Then she asked us to listen and hear what He was telling us. This kind of exercise is still a little tough for me – a bit too “squishy”. I tend to prefer something a little more concrete. But I tried. And as I did, I heard a voice (not literally – for those of you other concrete types out there). It started telling me how I wasn’t fitting in and how I needed to change to a kinder, softer Amy. My feeling as I ended the exercise was one of feeling unloved, of feeling as though He didn’t like me and that I wasn’t good enough. And frankly, I was upset.

I understand if we are living in sin or something that we need to change. But if this is how we are made, if God is the one who wired us this way, why do I need to change? Is it that God doesn’t like me? Does a need for change always mean that? An old saying comes to mind: “God loves you just the way you are – and too much to leave you that way”. Is that just Christianese for “God loves you just the way you are – well, maybe not”? Do I need to undergo a personality overhaul to be a spiritual director? (Or whatever job this leads to?) And why is God calling me to learn in an arena that is so foreign to me? Was it God calling? Couldn’t I pursue a nice concrete Biblical Studies major and just take a few of these other classes as electives? Or would that allow me to distance myself too much from what God wants me to learn? And, God, do I really have to change? Do You not like me the way I am? I’ve been beat up my whole life for being too loud, too boisterous, too generous, too strong. Just too much. Do You think I’m too much too, God?

I was finally starting to feel comfortable again with this path when I went to a meeting where a group was looking to hire a director of spiritual formation. Unfortunately, they don’t feel a woman would fit the bill. Though the women of the group would enjoy it, the leader didn’t think the men in the group would be comfortable following a woman. I don’t quite get that. The group is looking for a godly person. Why does gender matter? I’m not out to change anyone’s theology and I understand the basis for many not wanting a female leader in the church. (I was raised under that teaching.) But this was not a church. Imagine if the leadership of that group modeled to the younger members that one can learn from anyone, that one should always be willing to look up to and pattern their lives after someone of a godly character, regardless of gender.

I began to question myself. Is this what I’m going to be up against if I pursue this field? Frankly, if it is, I don’t want it. I’m too tired and too old to fight this battle. And frankly, I don’t care that much. I have enough things in my life to keep me busy and happy. Besides, even if it is right, we are never called to push for our rights, but to be willing to surrender them for the sake of others. Yet I wonder. Am I wasting my time studying to be a spiritual director if the groups I hang with won’t let me be one? There are plenty of other things I could see myself doing. And if that route is going to be a daily battle of defending myself, forget it. I’d rather pursue something innocuous like being a teacher or professor. It seems most are OK with a woman teaching the Bible if it is teaching other women or if it is as an intellectual pursuit in an institution of higher learning. It’s when you go from the arena of intellectual leadership positions to that of relational/spiritual leadership that the gender questions are raised. Yet that is the direction I’m being drawn. Go figure. God – are You sure You are in this?

Like a rock,
The Submissive Despot

Amy Louise

Amy Shane