February, 2007 Mentoring

February, 2007

I love the concept of mentoring. To have someone just ahead of you on life’s road, a half of a generation older, a “half-click” up the ladder that you can go to for advice is tremendously helpful. These mentors inspire me to keep on keepin’ on, showing me that it is actually possible to get where I want to go. I look for mentors or heroes in just about every area of life. Last month, I mentioned my Grandma and her incredible prayer life. I’ve got friends who are more faithful in their devotional lives and others that I look up to in their writing. My husband runs just a little bit faster. (Well, ok, a lot faster) My daughter has read more classics. My girlfriend is more patient (or better at hiding impatience) and my mom is better at meal planning. There are those who represent a quieter, gentler pace of life while others hold up the speed and efficiency model – I just choose who to go to based on what I feel I need that week. Last week I spent time with one friend that I hold up as my marriage and parenting mentor. We went to a writers’ conference with our teenaged daughters.

These conferences are not only a place to hone your writing skills, but also a place to network with editors and publishers. I found, however that I spent a lot of my “networking time” helping my daughters get where they needed to go. I encouraged them to meet with editors and listened to them dream. But what I really enjoyed last week was how my friend drew my daughters out in conversation. She carries a card in her purse with a bunch of open-ended questions on it, designed to kickstart or deepen conversations and give you insight into another’s thoughts and life. It was too cool.

Who do you think you are most like – your mom or your dad? Why? Listening to my daughters’ perspectives on how they view Mike and me and how they see themselves was simultaneously frightening and rewarding. They compared their strengths and their weaknesses to ours. There were a couple that made me rather pleased, but, yuck, I hated realizing I had passed on a couple of the less desirable ones as well.

What one thing would you change about your parents? Well, it had been fun going through these questions. Unfortunately, my daughters were brutally honest in their answers. Ouch. Do I really resort to yelling that much? (And no excuses just because I have five kids and a big house.) Mental note: work on that one.

What is something that you’d do differently from your parents? Well, this one was easier to swallow since I had had a few things on my own list growing up. Now I sound so much like my mom it’s scary. And I know someday it will hit them that they sound just like me! Every now and then one of the girls would glance at me to make sure they weren’t hurting me with what they said. I tried to keep a look of encouragement on my face. Seeing their hearts laid out was priceless. And, in reflection, I realized those things that cut deepest were probably the most true.

My friend keeps this question card on her to have ready at any opportunity. She uses it with her own children, her kids’ friends, and even peers. The results of using this tool means that she can always take a conversation to the next level. It also means that she knows her children intimately. When she uses them on other people, it means they feel loved and cared for and they respond accordingly.

I watched my friend at this conference engage people at the tables. By the end of every meal she had people ready to give her their firstborns. I asked her for a copy of the list of questions. And though I think tools like that card are helpful, I wish I could have asked her for a fistful of her passion for people.

Mike’s mom always says “Life is full of dailies” and sometimes I feel like that is all my life is: Daily Cooking, Daily Tidying, Daily Driving, Daily Nagging. With five kids, I often feel like people drain me dry. I realize that God has been working on me in this area this past year – to get past my task list and to focus on relationships. (How could I not realize it? It’s been the topic of half of these newsletters!) The question is HOW do I get from Point A to Point B?

It is my plan to start taking time just “relating” with my kids, asking the deep questions, learning more about each of them and what makes them tick. It’s also my plan to answer the same questions from that card in my journal to God and to try to figure out how to spend time just “being” with Him.

My kids (after they read this) have my permission to remind me of my commitment. And you, also, have my permission to hold me accountable.

Like a rock,

The Submissive Despot

Amy Louise
Amy Shane