July, 2006
A friend and I were recently talking about sex and marriage. She is currently teaching a class of young married ladies on this subject and was amazed at the hang-ups and wrong ideas these gals already had. I mean, as a newlywed, I had only one thought about sex: Yes!
But we could see where many have problems today: many of these girls have been abused and have negative associations. Others had engaged in pre-marital sex and are left with guilt and many mixed-up emotions and problems. Some girls dreamed of intimacy only to find it didn’t measure up to their expectations. At the other far end of the spectrum are the many good little Christian girls who suppressed every sexual thought growing up and suddenly, on their wedding nights, were supposed to be magically transformed into sensual vixens. Unfortunately, having never viewed themselves as a sensual being, they have no idea how to get there. Toss in
We talked at length on the differences of communication between men and women and how those affect sex. Of all the books I’ve read on this communication subject, there are a couple of word pictures that stand out. The most recent one has come from Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti by Bill and Pam Farrel. The basic tenet is that men are able to compartmentalize their lives but most of the time women can’t.
We women are all inter-connected – like a plate of spaghetti. If the kids are acting up, the kid noodle touches the mind noodle which touches the sexual interest noodle. (Another analogy would be like injuring your toe. At first you walk funny to compensate for your toe, then your knee hurts. You compensate for that and your hip is out. Then your back and your neck and finally you have a mega-headache from your toe.) Whichever analogy you prefer, if one part is out of whack, it’s all out of whack. For women, all of the noodles are connected to our feelings which are connected to our minds. And, contrary to popular opinion, our mind is our main sex organ.
If a man were in charge when those same kids act up, the man would leave the kids in the kid compartment, hop the waffle wall, and land in the sex compartment. He would be quite content there, never giving thought to the kids again until it was time to leave said sex compartment. (If you still aren’t getting this analogy, just buy the book. Even if you do understand it, buy it. The Farrel’s are my friends.)
So, anyway, as this girlfriend and I and our husbands were out on a double date, we talked about this subject. It seemed to me that the best way for a man to help his wife enjoy sex would be to figure out how to straighten her noodles, because if the noodles are straight, none are interfering with her enjoyment. This led to my next question, “How does a husband go about straightening his wife’s noodles?”
Without missing a beat, my friend’s husband replied, “For that you need the element of surprise.” (And, according to my friend, he’s a master at romantic surprises.) I think he’s got something there – surprise her noodles straight. And so now I want to address any guys that happen to be eavesdropping or who find this letter casually laid on a counter somewhere: Don’t do the same old, same old. Love your wife extravagantly, so extravagantly that you knock her socks off, blow her hair back, and straighten her noodles. Mike is great at playing with the kids so I can rest. To surprise me or to reach the extravagant level, he’d have to take the kids away for a whole weekend and give me time to write. (Hmmm, was that a hint?) Some women need massages to ease the knots out of their noodles. If the norm is to give a massage, a surprise might mean ponying up for a day at a spa. Or perhaps you could borrow a massage table, buy some oil, light a bunch of candles, turn on the classical music, and give her a couple of hours in her own in-home spa. For you guys who like to give gifts – go for the unexpected – search Ebay for the doll she had as a little girl; set up a picnic in a meadow (complete with a table and chairs and real china and music); send her her favorite flowers when they are out of season. Make a meal or bake a giant cookie with “I love you” spelled out in chocolate chips. Write a poem, compose a song, pick up your underwear. Anything, as long as it is above and beyond the normal or completely unexpected. (This means Christmas, anniversaries and birthdays don’t count.) Make it a habit throughout the year. (And if your wife says she doesn’t like surprises: Hogwash! Her noodles are too darned tight to think.)
The hard thing for us ladies is that we can’t leave all the noodle-straightening to our husbands. Many of the girls from my friend’s class would like to wait until their husbands start to straighten their noodles before responding, and then when he doesn’t think of it, they choose resentment. Sorry, gals. That’s just sin. For others (myself included), that pile of spaghetti seems to be made up of one long noodle with your kids’ names on it. We have to take the initiative to get in touch with that sexy, sensual side. (Peel back a few of those mothering noodles, it’s on the plate somewhere.) And start being creative yourselves. Generally, romantic creativity isn’t as hard for us as it is for our men, so start employing some. Don’t wait until your noodles are straight first. Just add sauce. And go beyond lingerie. Get together with some other girls and share some ideas. Pour on so much syrup that he’ll float right off of his waffle. Let’s make our husbands smile so big that couples everywhere will be flocking to your church to see what is going on.
Like a rock,
The Submissive Despot
Amy Louise
Amy
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