June, 2008
What a journey. I planned to go back to school after my youngest entered kindergarten. But with the sale of our family business and Mike leaving his job coinciding with Elly heading off to school, my desires were left on hold. We began searching out our options for the next job or ministry, the next location, the next everything. Last fall, I decided to look again at my schooling options and we finally decided to put our home on the market. If you’ve been reading these newsletters, you know where that took us. Straight to Limboland.
Frankly, God and I have very different ideas of what constitutes an efficient use of my time. I spent a lot of time prepping a house and moving out for a rock star that apparently was stoned when he made us an offer. We spent a ton of time and energy prepping a rental house for us to use only to realize 20 years of smoking permeates even the struts in the walls. The only good thing to come of it all seems to be Limboland motivated us to move a little more aggressively.
I began the process of applying to a grad school in the L.A. area where we found a house. We plowed ahead, happy with the choice. Well, almost happy. There was something still missing that I couldn’t put my finger on. On a whim, I looked at the website of another seminary. There was nothing that drew me immediately, but I found my heart kept wandering back to it. Something about that site was calling to me on a subconscious level. It was unsettling.
The result was that May found us in Denver, meeting with a psychologist who gave us personality/career type tests and doing counseling under a counselor who should have been labeled a soul surgeon. (Go to www.restoringthesoul.com if you dare.) Between the two we found ourselves asking ourselves “Who did God make me uniquely to be?” “What are my interests and my deepest desires?” “What is motivating to do what am I doing now?” A lot of these questions I’ve been processing this year anyway, but in May Mike and I had three weeks to dwell on them deeply, lingering with God in a way that I had not done in a long time.
I kept reading about “walking beside still waters and having my soul restored” and dreamed of what that could mean - not that I really felt my soul was in shambles, but more just a yearning. In Proverbs chapter four, the phrase “above all else, guard your heart” kept popping out at me. I began to wonder just what guarding meant – was it proactive or defensive? I checked out Matthew Henry who described it as maintaining “a holy jealousy of ourselves”, keeping our hearts “from doing hurt and getting hurt”. Others describe it as taking care of your thoughts or watching your mind. But when I checked out the Hebrew, it Strong’s says the word can be positive (to protect or maintain) or negative (conceal). The psychologist spoke to me of finding Sabbath rest and contentment, of having joy.
Finding that rest would prevent “getting hurt”, but what about the positive, pro-active side? I dreamed about delving deeper into my heart and soul and truly understanding how God made me and then protecting, maintaining, and nurturing what I find. Being conservative and simultaneously a female leader has caused me a lot of angst, not really knowing where I fit in the church. This is just one area where I’d love to find peace and rest.
All year the siren call of God has been luring me away from busyness and to a deeper relationship. And my heart and soul long for it deeply. But I was stumped as to how to get there. Although I loved the seminary in LA, when I’d talk to people and when I’d read their website and literature, all I was getting was their emphasis on the intellectual, even though I realize there’s more there than that. The other seminary’s website spoke of searching your heart, “becoming a better you” as you follow God and grow spiritually. As I reflected on these things, I realized I already know how to run down the path of intellect, of study, of performance. The area I need to spend time in is this area of being, of growing in the intangibles. And I needed time to rest and reflect on these things.
Mike also spent time thinking about who God made him to be. When we were first married I told Mike that I had sworn I would never marry a) someone from my hometown, b) a farmer, c) a pastor. Mike had moved to my hometown after college, so I let God off the hook on that one. A little later in our married life, I realized you can take the boy off the farm but you can’t take the farm out of the boy. So God snuck in another one. But I stood my ground. I repeated loud and often that God wasn’t sneaking in the last one. Unfortunately, I think my resolve squelched my husband. As I finally looked at his heart, I saw a man who loves to come alongside of others, encourage them, mentor them, journey with them. I saw a man full of mercy and compassion with a strong love for the Lord. I saw a man with a pastor’s heart. Mike recognized it as well. God, 3. Amy, 0.
By the end of our counseling, we had made the decision to move to Denver and we began the application process to Denver Seminary. Only instead of me going full-time, it’ll be Mike. And though I will be studying some, my focus is going to be on dwelling, resting, and drinking at God’s well. The last month has been full of house hunting and getting said house ready (thus the lateness of this letter).
I guess our next step is to continue this faith leap. Frankly (excuse my French) it scares the crap out of me. I know how to perform in a classroom. I’ve barely got a clue how to “be”, how to dwell in relationship with my Lord. I used to think I knew how to do this, but the further down this faith path I go, the more I realize I’m a pathetic mess. And speaking of mess, my friend spoke to me the other day about how living by faith always makes life an adventure, but the real excitement comes when you give God permission to “mess with your life”. This walk of faith goes beyond simply trusting, into a realm of releasing the conditions that you put on God, putting all of your dependence on Him alone. Such messing scares me. It’s scary because God doesn’t call Himself a safe God. But He is Good and it is that to which I cling. “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.”
Yet the questions linger. What if we get started in seminary and then He throws us back into limboland? What if we finish seminary and after all that He moves us back to limbo, no closer to any goal that we thought we may have had? We took a step of faith and bought a house in Denver without a rock star or anyone in sight to buy our old one. What’s He going to do with that? I know it is trials that develop faith. Am I willing to give Him free reign? God’s goal for my life is Christlikeness. What’s it going to take to get me there?
The Submissive Despot
Amy Louise
Amy Shane
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