March, 2008
Two and a half years ago, when our family business sold and Mike left his job there we made a decision to not make any decisions too quickly. Little did I realize that it would be this long. Finally, last fall we decided we were going to leave our beautiful home and move closer to the high school. The day after we put our home up for sale, the newspapers read “housing market tanks”. In the time that ensued, we began to rethink our decision, coming up with tons of options. Unfortunately, the more options we came up with, the more muddied the water became until by the end of January, we were totally confused. In the past, when I’ve been in situations like this, I have added fasting to my praying and God has always honored that, providing answers every time (though not always the answers I had thought I wanted). So this time around I opted for a 40-day period fasting and prayer to ask God to make our direction clear. Mike decided to join me. I began with high expectations.
Right near the end of our fasting period, we had a couple that wanted to see our home, but the day before they were to come, another guy came in to see it. Long story, short, he made an offer and added about 6% over our asking price so that he could have it within two weeks, later agreeing to 30 days. A week later, after a second look, he added even more to the offer to buy our furnishings, from the artwork down to the pots and pans. He was a young guy, a rock star who, it was obvious, deeply needed God. We said yes, and began the process of sorting every individual drawer and cupboard, getting rid of excess, packing up personal stuff and leaving the rest for him as a turn-key. It was an incredible experience to look at every item I owned and ask if it were personally meaningful so that I would want to keep it or should it stay behind? I found when I thought about leaving it behind as a way to care for and possibly reach the buyer for God, I was ready to leave just about everything. Had it been just an anonymous face, I would have felt far more attached.
We began talking about how God had brought about this miracle – an offer over our asking price in a bad market. We were thrilled that our kids were direct witness to a real-life miracle as well. And when Mike began to think about moving into a (comparatively) very small house that he knew about, I saw why God had the guy buying our furnishings. A rental opened up next door to friends that needed grunt work but the owner was willing to work with us. Everything began to fall into place. It was a crazy month, but every bump was met with the knowledge that God has answered our prayers for clarity. People were talking about what God had done and praising Him. Two friends were challenged to begin incorporating the spiritual discipline of fasting into their lives. Others were simply encouraged and rejoiced with us.
The month ended with our moving into the rental the day before he was to come up and bring the money. Then he didn’t show. And no one could contact him. After a week of no contact, we were forced to the conclusion that he had taken us all for a ride, the rock star thing was nothing more than a possible way to hook up with his realtor or he simply enjoyed seeing what he could get away with. Mike had to leave for China, and I was left behind wondering “What in the world was that, God???” Was He trying to teach me faith? I had complete faith that He’d bring it to pass. Was He showing me how to let go of my stuff? I honestly don’t think I held it that tightly – it wasn’t that hard to let go! (Although, in a nod to total honesty, most stuff I figured if I wanted it badly enough, I could just buy a duplicate.) Was it that God reneged? Had I just witnessed the first instance of His unfaithfulness? Or was this just the results of living in a fallen world? I figured if it were that, God could overcome that fact if He wanted to. All I can say is if one more person says “It must not have been God’s will for this deal to happen” I will scream. Knowing my gut feelings, I’m surprised the Biblical character Job didn’t just haul off and smack one of his buddies. To me, to stick the “God’s will” bandaid on wounds just causes me to feel as though I am not being intellectually honest. I don’t mind recognizing God’s hand in things, in fact I rely heavily on being aware of His sovereignty, but to slap some platitudinal bandaid on without first wrestling through the issue is a copout, the result of giving up or not being willing to mentally deal with the hard stuff. (Of course, if I’m the one kissing the wound to make it better, it’s probably appropriate.)
I called my friend. After sympathizing, she said that maybe God was trying to force me to learn to live in limbo, that maybe Amy-the-planner-and-executor would have to take a back seat and wait in the grey fog for a while. Maybe even try to enjoy it. She said that maybe God didn’t want things clearer, that His purpose was not to have me figuring out what to do, but rather to make me Christ-like. Have you ever had a friend that can both simultaneously hug you and kick your rear at the same time? I used to like that kind of friend. This time, I told her to shut up.
Sometimes, after the wrestling, we find silence. Like Orual in Till We Have Faces (C.S. Lewis), I cry for an audience with the gods, only to find myself silent, on my face, because there is no human explanation.
So here I sit in limbo, with what seems to be unanswered prayers. We’re back to the muck and mire of not knowing what direction we’re going. We are still in the rental, but we might move back to our old home if no buyer shows up soon. And I’m waiting. Well, OK, I’m making all kinds of contingency plans while I’m waiting, but I’m still waiting. Waiting to fall in love with this limboland, waiting to see what Christ-like quality comes out of this. Just waiting. And maybe, I too will find, as Orual discovered, that God sometimes does not answer because He, himself, is the answer.
Like a rock,
The Submissive Despot
Amy Louise
Amy Shane
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