September, 2007
It’s a classic for a Disney movie: never able to simply play a game of basketball or monopoly and just enjoy his children, an ultra-egotistical father always is competing against his own children, alienating them until he finally is convicted and becomes the gentle, caring parent we all strive for. But add a twist to that scenario, making it a mom with an ego who competes against her own flesh and blood and no one would finish watching the movie. “What kind of mother would be sick enough to be like that?” Well, yeah. It’s me.
You see, I, like 99% of the world, struggle with self image. I struggle with being a woman. We no longer live in the age of women-as-chattel, yet it still rubs me the wrong way when women are passed over for positions (whether it be in the corporate world or in the church) just because of our gender. And I struggle with where a woman with the gift of leadership fits in Christendom. I read Scripture. And I know some denominations will turn it to fit what they want. But I can’t do that. So I’m left with “Why, God? Why did You set it up this way?”
I wrestle with the fact that, despite rhetoric to the contrary, stay at home moms are looked down on. I know everyone says it is the “hardest job in the world” (which I’d agree with), but I’ve been to too many dinners where, during the polite phase of conversation, eyes glaze over and conversation turns to others with “more interesting” careers to talk about. So, in an effort to feel better, I spent years pushing myself. When I was younger, I did art. Then it was smocking and sewing, followed by language studying. I would cook for an army, freezing multiple meals. I’d drive the kids all over kingdom come and squeeze in 6 loads of laundry between trips. (Alright, sometimes that was pushing, sometimes that was a necessity…) I’d learn something new on the computer. Or I’d design a house. Something, anything, to keep my mind active, to feel worthwhile to myself.
This whole competitive thing causes me to still struggle with jealousy. I envy those deemed important in the world’s eyes. Of those thinner, smarter, whatever-er. Don’t get me wrong. I know that even if the world looks down on stay at home moms, their children see their moms as important. And I know what God says on the subjects of jealousy and pride. (Yikes!) Those who want to lead need to be the servant of all. The last shall be first. Those who compare themselves among themselves are not wise. I am getter better in this area, learning to rejoice with those who rejoice.
But yesterday was a particularly low point. Remember the puppy I mentioned last month? Well, “Daisy” is now with us, a virtual ball of fluff. And yesterday, as I was picking encrusted poop out of her fur around her rear end, all I could think of was “A college education for this??? Why send my daughters if this is what they have to look forward to?” One friend was quick to correct me. “Yes, Amy, servanthood isn’t very pretty. So, what attitude did you have while you were picking poop?” I didn’t answer her since the answer would have been a synonym for what I was picking out of Daisy’s rump. Fortunately, God didn’t let me wallow too long. That same afternoon I was on the internet and saw a photo of President Bush holding open the door of the White House for his dog and I realized that even our president has probably had his turn at the emptying end of a canine, taking care of what needs to be done.
There is, however, one comforting thing about motherhood. Yes, I tend toward jealousy of anyone who does better than I in any given area, but with my kids it’s different. I WANT them to do better. I love that my kids are better athletes than I ever was. (Admittedly, a rock is a better athlete than I ever was.) I am so proud of Anna’s depth of character. It thrills me to hear Elly sing, to watch Ian reason through a difficult math problem, to hear Emma rattle off verses by memory. To see Abby’s beauty in her senior pictures was incredible. And to rejoice with her this week when
The struggle continues. I loathe the idea of finding my value in what my kids accomplish. But the Holy Spirit is quick to remind me that it is equally futile to find my value in what I, myself, accomplish. No, we need to find our value in Christ, in the fact that the God of the universe created us, loves us enough to become one of us, and cares about us still – to the intimate knowledge of knowing every hair on our heads. We are valuable because God says we are. Coming to fully understand that is a two-steps-forward, one-step-back process. Learning to remember it on a daily basis is what the sanctification process is all about.
Like a rock,
The Submissive Despot
Amy Shane
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